Proof that the person who is my exact opposite exists

If there were a universe that existed where we were created as absolute polar opposites of ourselves, this would be my blog.

Okay, and this is just insane...

6-Word Memoirs

I read a little thing on the Powells Books blog, and it caught my eye. Now, whenever I have a free moment, I'm writing 6-Word Memoirs - or if not exactly "memoirs," then at least little summaries of my day. It's very Facebook, but instead of pithy little status updates... Colleen is: staring at the computer as the girls pull out the cat's claws one by one. Colleen is: dancing the Macarena with the dog... it's more like a haiku for the day. Or the hour. Or the mood. Try it, what'cha got?

Friday: KinderCare has borrowed the noise.

Cold fingers - Hot tea? Red wine?

My hair: messy. My brain: tired.

What will we have for dinner?

What, another homework assignment? No way.

Rancid dog farts. Well, he's old.

...wow, those are a little dark. Maybe I'll try more after that glass of wine...

Jazzercise photos

At the request of my dear old friend, Kathie Roth (Johnson), I posted a photo of myself teaching Jazzercise on Facebook. Then, I realized that I had never posted a photo on the blog, basically because I have never had a photo of me teaching until someone (Terry E.) took a bunch on the occasion of my 40th birthday class (thus, the balloons and tiara).

So, here goes. I love these people. And, it's really true: I love Jazzercise.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look at the picture of Ellie and me from the previous post before you read this. Get her ridiculously adorable silly smile in your head before proceeding.

Okay - go ahead...

This morning, I was full of Good-Mom-ness. I had plans for us for the day. We would do art. We would bake cookies. We would eat a nutritious lunch together. There would be bath time and story time and my little angels would snuggle down happily into nap time with nary a whimper.

It was about 9 AM and we were square in the middle of art time. The art tablecloth was spread, paints abounded, papers were being filled with the tangible results of my genius-daughters' imaginations. Ellie, smiling sweetly, looked up at me and proclaimed, "Mama, YOU SUCK!"

"What did you say?"

"Mama, YOU SUCK!" (Smiling.)

In horror, I realize that I am both speechless AND running to grab the video camera. I turn it on.

"Ellie, dare I ask you to say what you just said before?"

"What? Flowers!! Princesses! I'm a princess!! I do painting!"

"Yes, but what else did you just say?"

"I don't know."

I turn the camera off.

..."Mama, YOU SUCK! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!"

I called Jay and told him the story. He said, "Is this funny?" "No, of course it's not. I don't think so, but kind of funny in a this-better-not-happen-again kind of way..." "Yeah, that's what I thought."

I Dood It!

Darling Ellie,

Years from now, when you are graduating summa cum laude from some prestigious university probably on the east coast, we will look back on early February 2009 as the time when you first began to assert your independent thinking and self-assuredness and carved in stone the fact that you are indeed the daughter of a certain someone whose most defining characteristic is "Spunk."

It doesn't matter if we are talking about applying salad dressing to a pile of lettuce leaves on your plastic plate, removing your diaper, combing your hair, donning your shoes or fastening yourself into your car seat - You proclaim to all within earshot, "I DOOD IT!" Then, you follow it up with a look through those adorable jewel-encrusted glasses that says, "Just try to mess with me, Buddy/Mama. My Force Field is up - and if you even TRY to remove said diaper without my permission, I will spin my head a full 360 degrees, spew fire from every orifice and bonk you over the head with my stuffed monkey." Thus, Mama backs off and waits until you realize your pants are on backwards/you can't reach the yogurt/you can't drive the car yet. Then, you ask for help, and we can all get on with the business of our day again. (Thank God.) When I am in the moment, I may sometimes seem a bit, shall we say, frustrated. But, when I am thinking objectively, I am happy (and proud) about your spunk. I have long feared (although that's not the right word...) the fact that you are 20 months younger than Mags, but will probably only be one grade behind her in school. She will be nearly 6 when she starts kindergarten and very likely will be solving quadratic equations by the time she hits first grade. But, I am confident that you will kick some ass of your own when you get to school. Because you are Ellie, with a capital E.

Your teacher at KinderCare, Ms Christine - Or just "Christine" as you like to call her - LOVES you. You walk in, and she can't wait to give you a hug and promise that you won't get sent off to another class because you make her laugh. (Plus that, you are the only kid who enunciates clearly enough for her to understand what the hell you're saying.) This morning, she told me a story. The other day, I guess she mentioned that it was snack time. Being a food-driven creature, you went and sat down at the table. I guess the other kids (being two) kept playing and running around. Ms Christine got distracted. A few minutes later, she again said, "Okay, it's snack time!" And you, still sitting at the table with your hands neatly crossed, deadpanned, "YEAH, you already said that." The world can't spin fast enough for my Ellie.

Finishing off the Damn Top Ten List - #9 and #10

(photo from the OBT website)

#9 on the Top Ten List was supposed to be a long description of the logistical nightmare it was getting Maggie to the OBT Nutcracker in the ridiculous snowfest before Christmas, but that was long ago, and I want to get this blog back into the present day. So, I vote for just saying "bygones!" and letting it go. Suffice it to say the adventure involved exchanging tickets for a less treacherous day, stuffing my family into a pickup truck as if we were circus clowns, bribing ushers at the Keller auditorium, streetcars, very fancy dresses, long walks on icy sidewalks, and even a certain person in my beloved circle of relatives peeing in public on a Portland thoroughfare. That, and the realization that the first act of The Nutcracker is really pretty boring - It's not good until the snow falls and the Sugar Plum Fairy gets her groove on. Okay, enough of that until next year.

#10 was supposed to be about all of my favorite gifts from the holidays. I think I'll just save those posts for individual ones at later dates as I've got time. I'm desperate to get back into real time on this blog. So, goodbye, Top Ten list. Hello, February.

Top Ten List #8: The Great Toy Purge

For Christmas, I got Ellie and Maggie a little wardrobe from IKEA in which to keep all of their dress-up gowns, shoes, tutus, wings, jewels, hats, tiaras, and sundry accessories. They loved it. However, within 5 minutes of realizing it was a present, they had emptied out its contents and started using the two sides as individual dressing rooms. Yes, they had to contort themselves like circus performers to fit inside the cubbies, but it was fun. For them. For me, I saw a piece of furniture designed to bring order to our lives instantly reduced to a backdrop for a large supply of pink frilly crap on the floor.

For a bit, I'd put it away at night. And, I'd try to get Maggie to clean it up. Have you ever tried to get the wind to stop blowing? Leaves from falling to the ground in autumn? The sun from rising in the morning? It didn't work (although Ellie will actually clean stuff up on her own with just a little prompting.) But, one kid straightening up isn't good enough because the other one can always come along behind her and dump the box of Legos or toss an entire bookshelf on to the floor because she thinks her favorite bracelet might be in there behind the books. So, one day while they were at KinderCare, I got out a few giant trash bags and moved everything that was not put away into the bags and then into storage bins in the garage (see above). I figured they'd come home and freak out. But, do you know what? Nobody freaked out. I don't think anyone noticed. This was a few weeks ago, and honestly, we're all okay.

There's some good stuff out there. Some of it is stuff that I'd actually like to put back into circulation. Her freakin' Sleeping Beauty dress is out there! And Ellie's Cinderella dress! And the accessories for Maggie's Sleeping Beauty vanity! It does not work without the accessories, but she has not asked for them even one time. Not one. In fact, the other day, Maggie came to me and told me that I could make all of her toy food "get lost like my other stuff." So I did - that's the little white bin on the top. The thing of it is, that even with the piles of stuff in the garage (much of which was new at Christmas), there's still enough stuff to make this happen (see below). I asked Maggie today, "If you could just keep three toys, what would they be?" She couldn't even name three things - she just said, "My big girl bed." Am I doing something wrong here?